| toby dog. |
[13 Jul 2010|11:26pm] |
my pup, toby, has been in the tuft's veterinary hospital since last night. and i'm scared out of my mind.
he seemed perfectly fine last week, but then on saturday we started to notice he didn't want to jump or go upstairs like usual or move too much. sunday, he barely moved around the house. i took him to our vet monday around noon. i had to lift his back legs into the car, and he was scared to jump out, so i tried to support him but he just went ahead and when he landed, he fell down on his back legs again. he was having lots of trouble standing up before that, too. we thought maybe it was lyme again, so he got the antibiotic for that and an anti-inflammatory and pain medicine.
when we got home, i immediately gave him the medicine, and he layed down in our front room. come dinner time, he still hadn't moved or even tried to stand up, but he looked happy so i brought him his food and he ate it all and drank some water. when my mum came home, she was worried, because he looked in worse condition than before he had taken the medicine and the last time he had had lyme, he had immediately looked better even just a few hours after. and when we got him to stand up to see if he needed to go outside, he wobbled for a few seconds, then fell back down..
we called tufts and took him there around 730 pm monday and they did a look at him and said he seemed okay, his joints were swollen, he had a fever, was in a lot of pain, but they didnt think it was a slipped disc in his back or anything like that.
they said they needed to keep him for the night so that the main specialist internal medicine doctors could look at him in the morning, so we said goodnight to him in the giant run they put him in where he looked so sad. but he did sit up on his back legs to say goodnight.
today, my brother came to pick me up to go to new hampshire to see my dad until friday morning cos i start work next week, but it couldnt be worse timing to be two hours away from home and my dog. my mom stayed home today and the vets kept her updated but didnt say much. she went for visiting hours around 5 and he looked even worse. he couldn't sit up on his back legs anymore and he could barely raise his head. they had had him on an IV earlier in the day to make sure he got fluids and are still running the Lyme test and some tests on the fluid that they took from his joints.
now that im finally alone in my room up here, i can't stop crying. i know hes eight, which is old-ish for bernese mountain dogs, but he seemed so healthy and fine just a week ago. i love him so much. and i know my mum is absolutely devastated right now - and i'm up here so she's home alone while he's in the hospital not doing well at all.
if he hasn't gotten even slightly better by tomorrow, that means it's probably not Lyme, because the anti-biotic for that almost always shows improvement within 24-48 hours. which means that it could be something so so so so much worse, because its really hard to track whats causing the infection and virus and swollen joints in him.
i havent cried in so long, but i really really really want to be down there with him and holding him and keeping him company all day. he's never been away from us for this long unless we went away and he was safe at home.
and i am so completely worried about my mum as well, because although im really upset, i know she's probably a million times sadder than me because toby usually sleeps on her bed every night and he's always with her whenever she's home. he's pretty much the best thing that has happened to her in the past ten years.
my heart is going to keep breaking until i know he's okay or getting better.. :[
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[01 Jul 2010|10:46pm] |
a feel good post, you know,
i feel good.
almost done with three weeks of intensely working out,
just finished yoga a half hour ago,
went to the beach today and took off my shirt with a sense of pride,
with my bones and skin and hair and scars.
for once, since before puberty, i’m starting to feel proud of not only my physical appearance but also who i have become.
in the last few minutes of yoga,
while i was lying there clearing my mind,
i felt myself inside of my body, as a hollow cave, like breath weaving in and out,
down to my toes, my trail tickling my synapses,
and i realized that this whole journey has been a simple rebirth.
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| why i decided to drop everything and run |
[07 Apr 2010|11:40pm] |
i entered this world with infinite possibilities and, like centering down from another galaxy to the atoms within your skin, realized that everything breaks up into infinite pieces.
the path you take is not always the path you choose, but the path you never venture on, even if you hear some fuckin beautiful thing calling in the distance [yet choose to ignore, for whatever reason], is one you consciously do not choose. unconscious decisions bring me the most solitude, the most confidence.
i suppose i thrive in the inevitability of certain things. ultimatums scare the shit out of me, but the most scary thought i can imagine having when i am an old man is that of "fuck sky, you should have taken more chances."
giving has always come before taking for me. i prefer to hand myself over to someone else in return for their happiness. but i won't feel guilty taking something intangible, something that is created by myself in order for me to reach out for it.
for once, i'd like to open up my skin and run through uncertainty. just absorb all the bacteria and disease and shit. and know what it is like to trust yourself.
be an amoeba. be all encompassing. be the world.. be the change. make a change. it all surrounds me, completes me, destroys me.
nothing is truly easy, and i will miss this.. i mean.
skidmore has given me a home. skidmore has given me a family.
and i'm going to take that with me when i venture off into the unknown.
i don't know what's in front of me [and that scares the shit out of me],
but i do know what is behind me. and i'll always be turning back to smile.
we should always know that we can do anything.
in the end, i have decided to transfer to massart. i'm not even sure how long i will last there - i know i need to be in the world, doing something. someday, i will float around from farm to farm or i will be an art teacher. but right now, i need to be somewhere where my heart is. i love skidmore, but i don't think i'm living skidmore. i live and breathe for the distance that is farther away, for that complexity in the city. my thoughts are constantly over there, or elsewhere, and i feel as though once i connect my heart, my mind, and my body, i will be able to grow.
plus i just want to make shit, you know? :]
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[08 Mar 2010|11:11pm] |
my chest is healing really well.
im getting myself into messy situations.
witholding is not good.
i want to drop philosophy.
lots of new tunes to listen to.
i find it difficult to eat.
break soon.
i need that. and her. and cuddles.
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[02 Mar 2010|12:04am] |
i cried today.
i suppose its good to know that that kind of stuff can still happen even when on testosterone for over a year.
whew. im alive.
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[23 Feb 2010|11:10pm] |
holy shit this life has no purpose.
thats freeing.
thats grandoise.
i want to get fucked up. but not die. you know?
i can't go through my daily days here, smiling, happy. its too.. honest.
i feel good when i'm alone. i feel at peace. i'm usually hyper. i'm usually optimistic.
usually.
mostly.
i cant wait until i'm in the city next year. i'm not going to lie.
i figure there are two extremes in the world - the woodsy, un human occupied nature and the deadly, crammed up metal city walls.
saratoga springs is not quite natural, its mostly synthetic, but there is also room to breathe, so it's somewhere in between,
whereas in boston, its going to suffocate me, drown me, and try to take my being.
and i know i can fight it.
i guess thats what my problem is; i constantly need to be fighting (or for) something.
- the pursuit of girls/partnership [check]
- gender identity disorder, fighting for my right to be who i am [check]
- against my brother [check]
- for my brother [check]
- against the cancer [check... and continuing]
and now that a lot of things have calmed down, i dont feel.. a fight here.
with the city digging at my skin, which unfortunately is starting to show bones and my vulnerability,
i will have a constant battle to distract myself and help me grow.
education is power if you're listening. and i am.
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[15 Feb 2010|11:48am] |
this weekend i decided i am transferring to massart.
;]
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| shit son. |
[31 Jan 2010|05:31pm] |
i got accepted into massart. wow.
i wasn't too worried about it.. i mean, i figured i'd done pretty well in art and i got into skidmore so it was likely. but still.
it's like last year all over again. i found out i got into skidmore, and immediately freaked out. :D it's a great feeling.
part of me is worried, though. i'll be a freshman there, i'll have to do some silly structured classes [im going to call to hopefully get out of some that are similar to ones i took here already though whew.]
i also am going to miss the people here. the familiarity. the woods. i am not a born city dweller, this would purely be temporary. but the fact that i'd be in a unique, messed up, busy place is intriguing.. life is vulnerability, right?
ive played it safe here at skidmore. i've met great people, i've had great talks, it is common knowledge to me that i am comfortable. but i still don't feel as though it is home. but would massart be home?
cons to transferring: less variety of classes like philosophy that i'm interested in, losing? friends, losing the sense of familiarity and being part of a unique group of human beings [not just art students.]..
pros to transferring: a new place, a fresh start. new people, being emersed in art, having the ability to become an art teacher in a shorter amount of time, being near my mother [considering her health and other family things, i really really miss her and am worried about her all the time], being in a city where there are infinite opportunities for art and music and jobs and lots of unique people [skidmore is unique, to a degree..], olga is there, erik is there..
i'm pretty much set on going. im afraid to tell all of my friends, well, not afraid, but apprehensive. it hasnt anything to do with them - in fact, they are incredible. i dont want to lose them, but i also need to do something for myself once.
i've been fighting with olga a lot lately, but i still believe she is the one for me. however, as hard as it is for others to realize, i wouldnt be doing this for her. maybe a tiny percentage of the reason is based off of her affiliation with the school that happens to be able to provide me with incredible opportunities, but yknow..
being in the mindset of 'i'm leaving this place' is not necessarily where i want to be.. i'll miss the freedom of crazy adventures, but whose to say that cant happen in a city?
i'm nomadic. always have been. always will. plus, i could always transfer back if stuff doesn't work out, yeah?
it's not like i havent ever had to deal with a really hard decision before :P
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[27 Jan 2010|08:01pm] |
my stomach hurts so bad. i dont know why.
oh aristotle, imma read you now.
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[22 Jan 2010|01:27am] |
it's been a year since i started injecting myself with a drug that i like to pretend i am independent from.
i am the same human being inside, but now my body has finally taken the initiative to comfort me. to be me. to be male.
i don't know where i'm going with this transition.
i am comfortable right now, i feel great right now.
my chest is feeling and looking so wonderful. i feel whole, free, and like i cheated the system. of being bound into a box.
liberation.
i feel good.
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| 100 yard restraining order |
[11 Jan 2010|12:32am] |
i'd never called 911 before.
until today.
on my own brother.
i wish i could say that my life is simple, things are good, my family's happy and healthy.
but i feel like shit and he's in jail.
but he said he was going to hit my mum. and kill her. and himself.
she doesn't deserve that. this.
and she admitted she didn't want him here. couldn't have him here anymore.
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[30 Nov 2009|12:48am] |
she lied she lied she lied she lied
to my face of all places.
for the second time, that ive caught her..
about the.
stupidest.
things.
but not stupid enough for me to never think about it again.
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| 8 full hours of sleep |
[21 Nov 2009|07:02pm] |
i'm just looking for something deeper
to swim through my veins and find a source.
i was convinced i would leave a whole group of friends behind,
the surface they hit was skin deep and i didn't appreciate that
but tonight at dinner they hugged me closer and explained the missing connections,
legitimate reasons and legitimate smiles.
they care, and i care of them. you cant just walk out of something like that.
true, leah's gone, i've been naked and lonely,
but at the same time, with the relief setting in, i feel whole again.
people are people, things work out.
the purpose in this world is to invent your own,
and if a brand new family of friends is willing to explore the infinite abyss that will be college,
i'll take it.
i miss my loves from home,
i miss amy, winnie, isabel, nate, the connections of neighbors and constant video games.
and they will always be my family of friends.
but i've realized that while i'm here, i gotta make the best of it,
even if that means sacrificing deep conversation
for pillow fights.
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[29 Oct 2009|01:25am] |
there are days when the world gets me down,
where the people are outrightly disappointing,
and the point of existence is hidden like the sun behind the mass of gray.
human beings need to stop reaffirming the stereotype that they're stupid.
olga read me a quote today that said, 'save the environment, kill yourself.'
and for some reason, i think that really is the only cure to this situation.
humans are a poison- and they cannot help it.
we cannot easily devolve into cave people, which is really the only sustainable form of living.
we can't trade our guns in for clubs, our societies in for areas of undisturbed land.
and that is the biggest disappointment of all.
we can't go back in time.
so what's the point in wasting all of this time
until we die?
our death will be a relief to the planet, to ourselves.
as i get older, i only realize that the adults who have succeeded in thirty, forty, fifty years of life in this world aren't that much older than any of us. they have just floated along in the waves, following the patterns laid out before. i mean, of course, i'm hypocritical with that. i love my parents. i love a lot of adults. and i'm glad they're alive.
but honestly..
how many people are truly happy?
does college, education, a well paying job, living comfortably, does any of that guarantee happiness?
absolutely not.
well, hey. whatever.
i'm going to go try to turn that large rock over there into a wheel.
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[18 Oct 2009|10:11pm] |
alright, i figured it out.
in simple terms;
those before us created the perfect poison for the world,
poured it down every drain, every sewer, out to the ocean;
and left us to watch it.
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[10 Sep 2009|08:29am] |
college is what college is.
m not sure how i feel about it, yeah.
but i love the hugs.
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| home? |
[03 Sep 2009|07:35pm] |
this place is beautiful, so beautiful.
my dorm has one giant window on a wall with a window seat that's beautiful. we're on the third floor with a straight view of trees and leaves. and the sun is setting.
people here are so nice. and so friendly. and so amazing.
so many people with so many smiles and so many names from so many places with so many different handshakes.
it's beautiful.
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[04 Aug 2009|11:29pm] |
i made a ghandi stencil the size of my face
tye dyed sheets for college, where the roommate situation is kind of worrying me
love my girlfriend
and have been working out a shitton.
i don't understand anything that's going on around me,
my gender is confusing me
but so is everything.
my brother had me in a headlock monday morning and started banging my head into the ground
because i was spraypainting inside and it smelt and woke him up.
my shoulder and neck kill, and being called a tranny fag over and over again by someone of the same blood who is threatening to kill you as he punches your head into the kitchen floor in this place called home
isn't a good feeling.
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[01 Jul 2009|12:48am] |
drugs are bad, i don't think raving is for me.
losing it all, sweaty bodies, rape.
there are things i won't ever be able to explain, things i don't ever want to think about again.
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[27 Jun 2009|03:13pm] |
if your name starts with an s- and ends with a -tacey
please maneuver yourself away from this page, right now.
i don't know how you got here, but it wasn't by my invitation, and that's sort of creepy.
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